Fifty Shades of Grey Book Review; Very Badly Written Porn

I have decided that for as long as the amusement factor continues at work I will continue to keep a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in open view on my desk. This book is the only reason I have had a series of completely unsolicited conversations with senior members of staff about the logistics of BDSM sex. On occasions complete with actions, this is of course exactly the conversation you want to be having with your line manager. I do not know what it is about the book and it may be the most diabolical piece of fiction ever written but it has brought about some of the most peculiar social interactions in the work place I have seen to date. I am debating taking it to our Urology Team Meeting on Friday to see whether it has the knock on effect of causing senior consultants to compare vibrators. I mean honestly, won’t someone think of the children/the one terrified and bewildered male in the office.

To say in advance, if you are reading this book on a train or public transport; I will judge you. I thought Twilight was as bad as it could get. I was wrong. This is the most badly written, poorly thought out, shallow excuse for literature I have ever seen. It is the middle aged house wives porn. But bad porn. Ana is a 21 year old virgin who is astonishingly attractive (and is somehow still a virgin), Mr Grey is a psychopathic lunatic with one hell of a lot of money, looks like a God and likes to beat the living hell out of Ana whilst having hot and steamy sex. Oh My. The book can be summed up by saying that Ana goes from bookish virgin to steamy porn star faster than you can say Oh My with a guy who likes to beat her with stuff. Lots. To make this more entertaining and obviously completely believable this guy is rich, charismatic, educated and wants to end poverty and particularly good in bed. Oh My.

And of course this 21 year old virgin is not only quite happy to let a psychopathic guy hit her with stuff but is also wonderfully responsive to sex and has repeated, earth shattering orgasms on a regular basis. Oh My. And of course his penis is of an “impressive length” and she is completely bowled over by this every time he whips it out, which is often. Oh My. There is no story. It is rich man abuses and has large amounts of sex with naive and fairly idiotic girl, she wonders if she should stay, he wonders if he should hit her, they have more sex and he hits her more. There you go, an entire book of trash summed up in one sentence. Oh My.

The fact that the book is thinly disguised BDSM porn which covers one hell of an abusive relationship and actually encourages hero worship of the abuser is seriously not helped by the fact that is the most poorly written, repetitive piece of bull I have ever read. Oh My. If you take out the constant bad sex then what you are left with might as well be a love struck teenagers journal and there’s a reason no one reads teenagers journals; they’re boring. Her vocabulary is extremely limited and repeated more times than you could care to imagine and considering that she is writing what might as well lose the modern fiction label and just be classed as porn, her used of euphemism is completely retarded. Condoms are ‘foil packets’ and there are repeated illusions to ‘my sex’. Oh My. If you’re grown up enough to be writing about sex and penis’ under the guise of modern fiction then surely you’re grown up enough to call a spade a spade.

One reviewer on Amazon has suggested that the best use for this book would be to use it as a drinking game.  I am in complete agreement with this sound advice. Every time Ana says Oh My you take a drink. Every time she talks about her Inner Goddess you take a drink. Every time there’s Darkening Eyes or a Foil Packet you take a drink. Blushes, Rolling Eyes and Holy Crap also count. I dare you to get past the first chapter of the book without being on the floor. At the very least you should be plastered enough to not be quite so appalled by the crud you are reading. Just because it is erotica does not necessarily mean it has to be shockingly badly written. And honest to God, this is. Oh My.

I do not understand why so many people are raving about this book. And to those who disagree with me, who think Mr Grey is sexy, appealing and a strong and handsome man? What would you do if your little girl came home and announced that she was going to marry this man? Still think it’s appealing? Because honest to God I know what my father would do when he found out what Mr Grey was doing to his baby girl. Oh My.

Read more:

Know someone without a brain?

When the cracks start to show…

When the world asks for too much