Photo courtesy of author

Like many kids from my generation growing up in the 60s and 70s, when I wasn’t spending my allowance on Revell model kits and baseball cards, I was spending it on issues of Spiderman, Captain America, Iron Man and Archie.

For those of us who were devoted and enthusiastic comic book aficionados, when we were not being entertained and enthralled with the exciting superhero adventures of Spiderman or Captain America fighting evil or the teenage angst-filled exploits of Archie, Jughead, Reggie, Veronica, and Betty, the comic books captivated us another way with amazing and fascinating advertisements for Sea Monkeys, X-Ray Vision and money-making opportunities.

Interspersed through the comic books or occupying that most important space on the back cover, these advertisements would become just as much a part of comic book lore as the adventures and amusing tales inside. To be sure, when we had our fill of Spiderman or Archie, we could always find out what cool stuff could be had for a buck or two and perhaps send for this stuff ourselves.

Either we were more gullible or we just had better imaginations but the advertisement for Sea Monkeys (better known as Artemia)-”The Real Live Fun-Pets You Grow Yourself”-was too good to be true. We really believed that for a buck twenty-five we would get these “sea monkeys” – tiny aquatic creatures that resembled monkeys-(though I think they look more like Suessian characters) that we could train to have them “scoot” and “do comical tricks.” After all, the advertisement promised that these little creatures were eager to please.

After I had given up on my two turtles, it was time to check out these so-called Sea Monkeys. I filled out the order form, enclosed a dollar and a couple of week’s later I got my sea monkeys which turned out to be a package of dried sea brine. I poured the contents of the package into a glass of water and waited. According to the advertisement, it was supposed to be so easy that an eight-year-old could do it without help. I thought that I would see the miracle of life happen right before my eyes when as soon as those sleeping sea monkeys hit water they would spring to life. Nothing happened.

I shook the glass a little and waited some more. Maybe it took awhile for the little monkeys to wake up and come to life. I read the enclosed instructions again. That’s right, all I had to do was just add water. I waited some more. Nothing.

I was too young to think that I had been scammed. I was just bummed out that I had no Sea Monkeys. Maybe I should have waited before I poured the contents of that glass down the drain. Who knows, maybe today there is a thriving colony of Sea Monkeys in sewer systems around the United States because other kids like myself could not wait.

Next to the Sea Monkeys, another favorite item that could be ordered were X-Ray glasses. I never got around to sending in the buck to find out if I really could have X-Ray vision like Superman, but according to the advertisement, the instant you put these glasses on, when you looked at your friends “you’ll see the most (blushingly funny) amazing things!”

Of course that is the only reason a prepubescent lad would want them anyway-to see (pun intended) if one really could see through clothes. Despite the ad’s disclaimer that no real x-ray vision is obtained, but instead you would get the illusion of x-ray vision the thought of being able to see “through fingers,” the “yolk of an egg” or the “lead inside a pencil” must have been too much for some kids to pass up and another dollar or two of a kid’s allowance was on its way to line the pockets of these entrepreneurs and charlatans peddling this stuff.

If you really wanted some of that cool stuff being touted in your favorite comic book and had already gotten an advance on your allowance for the next year or two, there were those money-making opportunities also being advertised. Of these selling garden seeds seemed the most lucrative and easy to do (peddling Grit just seemed too much work). And if you believed the testimony of some of the kids who had already prospered, anything was possible from earning cold, hard cash to camping gear, bicycles and televisions.

I tried my hand at selling seeds; I figured it was the easiest way to make money and everyone has a garden, or at least knows someone that has a garden, right? First of all, you had to hand it to these companies that trusted kids in the first place to send them seeds without any money being exchanged. It was probably more of marketing ploy than anything else-send the kids enough seeds to hook them, but not too many packets to lose money if the kids weren’t too successful.

I was one of those kids who weren’t too successful. Being a salesperson just wasn’t my forte and after selling seeds to my grandparents and a couple aunts and uncles I gave up on the prospect of making money. Also, my timing was a little off: people are not too interested in buying seeds in the middle of winter. Sadly, I had already spent the money I did make from those meager sales on more comic books and candy and had to ask for another advance on my allowance.

Another one of my favorite advertisements was the one for Mr. Atlas-the one where some skinny guy has a run in with this brawny guy at the beach, gets punched in the face, and loses his girl. Makes you kind of wonder about the target audience for these ads-if it was thought that only geeks and nerds read these comic books. When you’re 13-years-old, I don’t think you’re too worried about having some hammerhead punching you in the face at the beach while you are trying to put the moves on your girl.

Just in case you were, this ad promised that Charles Atlas could make you a new man in only fifteen minutes a day. In the ad, Atlas explained how he had at one time had a skinny 97-pound body and had been laughed at by women until he discovered his “Dynamic Tension” bodybuilding system. This bodybuilding system worked so well for him and made him such a complete specimen of manhood that he would soon hold the title of “The World’s Most Perfectly Developed Man.” That must have been all a skinny, bag of bones kid needed to read to send for the free, that’s right free 32-page illustrated book on how to become like Charles Atlas.

I wonder what the catch was after you got the book? Obviously Atlas wasn’t going to divulge all his bodybuilding secrets for free. Needless to say, there must have been a lot of skinny kids out there who wanted to be just like Charles Atlas because I would come across that same ad in the comic books I read numerous times.

Of course, I would be interested in another advertisement, one that guaranteed growing taller in a few weeks, but that would be after the teenage angst I experienced at a junior high Halloween Dance-and a story for another time.